- Ugh... Sorry for the flood of cryptic, cheesy and corny, tweets, I will try to get this clear.
- Since Sheva didn't "cared" for my well being, I decided to, shall we say? Take her Premium account of me, to a regular one (Sorry)
- And just treat her like a, regular person. Nothing fancy from me, just plains simple me, just a few words.
- Bad news bear when she... actually showed signs of humanity from her part. Actually asking me if everything was alright.
- And sure, everything was fine, as in, actually fine, just didn't treat her with, well, my love and kindness.
- I actually felt some kind of power, of making her suffer a little.
- Every little chat I had with her, even if it was, just, about school stuff, she would enjoy it and be happy with it.
- And when I didn't talk to her, she would be there, just lost in her thoughts, sad actually.
- A lot of thoughts came to my mind, mainly "What the hell am I doing?"
- ... fuck this, time to blog it.
And now, back to "The Unradical times of XradicalD"
A lot of thoughts came to my mind, mainly "What the hell am I doing?" And this, is when I began on thinking on the main question to everything "Why? Why am I doing this?"
I got many answers from myself, yet so little. One of them was "To get her attention" but it was quickly scraped, since it would be me being something I hate, an emo. Other one was "Because you're not going to fall for her again, and become her slap dog" this one was the most accurate I could go, I wouldn't want to be that dumbass, who treats how her boyfriend should and yet, gets nothing, while his boyfriend gets what I should have.
In theory, it was simple, from my side, it was the true answer, but then I though... what if she asks? What if she triggers the questions of "Why?" Sadly I still like her and, the answer I have wouldn't be... I can't explain, it would have all my whatever screwed up, more than it already is.
What I wonder is, how does she feel about me? Is she worried about me like, more than just friendship? Or she is just worried as a friend? I think the latest could be the one that is more precise.
I just don't know, what to think, what to say, what to do. More now, since, well, we were speaking on msn, and she began to talk to me, great idea from her, she attacked from where I was alone, without company, without anyone next to me, without anyone seeing us (That is, unless msn spy on users or something, but I doubt my importance to Hotmail) Without any more w/e, this is how it went:
She: Why don't you talk at school?
Me: I speak quite a lot with Steve.
She: Yeah, but not with me.
ME: Hmm... I think you're right.
She: Do you want me to leave you alone?
This questions, just... just took me by surprise, I could just tell her "Yes, leave me alone" and... she would had, how long? I don't know, maybe for a little while, maybe forever, I didn't want to fancy my chances, so in resume, I said "No"
Me: Lets talk about this tomorrow
She: Well, then I will leave you alone for now, we shall speak tomorrow, or so I think.
Me: Yes, tomorrow, I don't feel very well right now.
She: But... you promise you will talk to me tomorrow?
I actually though of this, for a minute or two. I didn't want to face my demons... but it's got to be done.
Me: I promise
She: Thanks
I actually felt like shadow for saying that.
What I DON'T LIKE ABOUT THIS IS...
1) That I am involved in it, yeah, no shit, huh?
2) I am in a sea of women that like me, and I love the one that already has a boyfriend and is complicated as fuck, go me, go FUCKING me. I wonder How I always end up like this...? (See Flandre's story)
"How come I never meet any nice girls...?" - Dante, MvC3
3) Sheva seems to be that kind of girls that everyone likes, (Well, on their groups) and I THINK she has this kind of shit too often; Guy likes her, she doesn't, guy feels like shit, she feels bad for something that she can't control and, it isn't her fault. Like a curse.
And so, the tale shall continue, lets see in what kind of strange zone she places me... and where I shall place her too...
*Disclaimer: I know my problems aren't the "World's hugest problems" and that people have it worse and just smile their way to the future... but they are still there... and they are causing quite some havoc on me.
Over all how I feel:





